They will find and kill you

This morning i woke with a feeling of guilt, as though i had done something terribly wrong. Questions, many of them, ran through my head as i thought about what i had witnessed, and what implications were imposed by this.

i was, i assume, a Nazi soldier. i could have been a Russian soldier, they had their share of indescribable war crimes. People don't like to blame the Russians for hating haters. Hating hate is a beautiful thing to many.

Along with a group of soldiers, i was playing a sick and twisted game. Many of my comrades were lined up, across from me. Between these two lines was a "playing field". Guns where given to the players, children many of them, to run about the field. It appeared as though they were playing a game of broom ball, running about with various arms, firing blindly at us, as we picked them off from "their game". Being on the opposite side of the field as my comrades fired in my direction was interesting, but i managed. After taking one out, with a small side arm, a pistol, i stood. A young boy spun about with an assault rifle, firing past me. i froze, and somehow was not injured. Lifting the pistol i aimed at the child, and fired, hoping to retrieve the AK-47 for myself. The shot went off, and the child kept moving, i missed him. i watched him as he walked a few more steps and spun one last time, falling onto the ground, becoming another body to litter the field. He looked as though he was barely old enough to walk as he fell. i had not missed.

i ran over, picked up the rifle, and ran back to where i had been. Upon returning i heard voices in a snow bank.

(i must have asked who was in the bank.)

A girl, in her mid to late teens popped half of her head through the snow. Oh my, she seems to have managed to have hidden, along with maybe one or two others, avoiding death i could only hope.

"God is close to us here," she said. It was apparent that she had stayed at the base of the bluff, maybe being 5-6 feet high at most; overnight while it snowed they had stay here.

"They will find and kill you," i said to her. She flinched a bit at my words. i was not going to reveal their position. If they could stay here, hiding, and live, would be a wonderful thing.
"Pray to GOD and ..." i trailed off. There was so much i wanted to say, and no time to say it. If i were caught talking to this girl in the snow, i would more than likely be killed myself, and my talking to her would show that someone else was here besides myself. "i'm an American," i began telling her, "from the state of Minnesota." i was not proud of what i was doing, i did not want to do what i was doing: killing people. It seemed to be hard on both of us, and was very emotional. She kissed my chin several times as i continued, "i have a family, four, a mother, father, sister...". i looked back to see men on the other side of the field, looking around, and told her to get down further.

The dream ended somewhere around here. i will admit, i think it's a bit awkard, but at the same time really cool. Awkward being the kissing, though it was meant for comfort and careing. Cool because it didn't make sense from a world perspective. She had every reason to hate me, to want me dead, to spit on me and drive her nails into me. Or, from her position in the snow bank, covered spare her face, to stare coldly at me with her eyes. But she received me, she felt for me, even though i was killing what where probably her family and friends.

And so, you might see why i had many questions upon waking. How loveing would she had to have been to act in the way she was acting? How was it that she seemed to be at such peace? Could have i have risked my life in attempt to save hers? What does this mean for me? How can i be more loving? Do i really reflect the qualitys of Christ, and if not, what do i need to work on?

One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
is that it's all there.
-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984

G8 Riot

G8 Riot, what was to be a peaceful demonstration broke into a full riot.
This video is from 2003

The same thing apparently happened this year also, as can be seen here -

Of Clouds and Mesh

12-13-06

As sparks fly, so do my thoughts, brightly flaming, like phosphor tipped rounds being fired into the night sky, before they lose there glow, losing attention, becoming nothing. Broken remains, difference in the mind, missing the parts so previously intact.

Result is had, steps are lost

I'm perplexed... unable to see it, how is everything connected. I looked up at the sky, half covered in clouds – breaking. Diffusion on both sides of me, like a mother eagle covering me with her wing span. How do these clouds fit with reality, how do they affect my future, what purpose have they? They are so fine, and well defined residing in there places, chance one fall, and loose its identity while viewed through, yet its pride means no change, only its willingness to become close.

Where the sky meets the horizon, also defined, yet lacking definition in place, as the ground. Always changing. And where, these dream-likes, that spout snow, glistening down, do they have a connection with reality. With a world cold in heart, with hard physical facts, and demise of all hope.

Seeming unearthly, that they are.

12-7-06

Why has my mind stopped now that I have an opportunity to document some of its thoughts? I can't think, my mind is blocked – I have had such a hard time reflecting things, and yet again, not. So many things, nothing. Today, my mind has been alone, in its paranoid little corner, thinking away, trying to place point of view of attitude, belief, stance, experience, thought, perspective, influences... So much, nothing.

...Mr. Koch kicked Joe W. out of class... it startled me, more than that, it scared me, I don't understand why, but I was reminded of Mr. Lepper, even though there is no comparison. For those of you that know Mr, Koch, you know that he's a great guy, and this just shows my irrational thinking. I started wondering, dreading, that I would also be kicked out of the class, just waiting for him to snap – even though rarely even get called on, much less speak. I don't know where this is coming from.

Who have I become over the years? Have I become a timid, quiet person, who struggles to speak in front of groups? Someone

Last week I figured, being away from God for so long, that I would take an attempt at a quiet time, or something like that. I attempted reflecting, after so long, it came to me – I was mirroring Ecclesiastes, and as I open my Bible and read through, I found I was mirroring even more than I had thought, I stopped after about two chapters....

Its been so long, I don't even know. Somewhere – the Fall Retreat, I've completely lost it. Before the retreat, I had a weekly quiet time, they where good, and I went not wanting a high, I didn't want a artificial closeness to God. I wanted a regular (daily) relationship with Him, growing closer to Him consistently. I wanted on the retreat, I wanted Him to break me, I wanted, I remember asking, on the first night, to weep in his presence. If I heard right, I think I did, He told me “This retreat isn't about you”. Why not? How frustrating, not that its not about me, but that I can't get anything accomplished in this time, that I can't get any closer to You in this time! I know very well that God was present during the retreat, I would request something, and He was faithful – He would answer. Jeff Dexter was a great speaker, but I didn't understand what he was saying, nothing made sense on the retreat... it was so weird, it was like God had nothing to say to me. I asked that he let me know what was going on the second night, and Eric came over and made sure that I knew what was going on, actually brought me to Dexter, who explained what was going on... it didn't apply to me

I remember the night Doug accepted Christ, everyone was singing, jumping, and getting into it, and I just stood there. God again answered my prayers, and Tim came over and asked me why I wasn't jumping or something like that, “Shall my heart lie?”. We went to the Cafeteria and and talked. I have had things I've been wanting to get out for so long. Everyone seems so far, and honestly, I think people could care less – feelings are so overrated. It felt good to talk to Tim, so good, about two separate subjects – two small things that had grown on my mind, consuming my thoughts, not that either where wrong.

Could someone remind me? When God feels far, although I know He isn't, does that mean I am simply learning, or that he is testing me? These and much more linger on my tounge, waiting to be spoken, but never being brought to be heard.

Some entries i made some time ago
-Dan D.

New Blog

Well, a new blog. No, not for me cat either (rolls eyes). i suppose i will use this as a mirror to my other blog, or us this for other purposes, such as posting articles, propaganda, educational material, comics - etc.