Thursday, September 27, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
As sparks fly, so do my thoughts, brightly flaming, like phosphor tipped rounds being fired into the night sky, before they lose there glow, losing attention, becoming nothing. Broken remains, difference in the mind, missing the parts so previously intact.
Result is had, steps are lost
I'm perplexed... unable to see it, how is everything connected. I looked up at the sky, half covered in clouds – breaking. Diffusion on both sides of me, like a mother eagle covering me with her wing span. How do these clouds fit with reality, how do they affect my future, what purpose have they? They are so fine, and well defined residing in there places, chance one fall, and loose its identity while viewed through, yet its pride means no change, only its willingness to become close.
Where the sky meets the horizon, also defined, yet lacking definition in place, as the ground. Always changing. And where, these dream-likes, that spout snow, glistening down, do they have a connection with reality. With a world cold in heart, with hard physical facts, and demise of all hope.
Seeming unearthly, that they are.
Why has my mind stopped now that I have an opportunity to document some of its thoughts? I can't think, my mind is blocked – I have had such a hard time reflecting things, and yet again, not. So many things, nothing. Today, my mind has been alone, in its paranoid little corner, thinking away, trying to place point of view of attitude, belief, stance, experience, thought, perspective, influences... So much, nothing.
...Mr. Koch kicked Joe W. out of class... it startled me, more than that, it scared me, I don't understand why, but I was reminded of Mr. Lepper, even though there is no comparison. For those of you that know Mr, Koch, you know that he's a great guy, and this just shows my irrational thinking. I started wondering, dreading, that I would also be kicked out of the class, just waiting for him to snap – even though rarely even get called on, much less speak. I don't know where this is coming from.
Who have I become over the years? Have I become a timid, quiet person, who struggles to speak in front of groups? Someone
Last week I figured, being away from God for so long, that I would take an attempt at a quiet time, or something like that. I attempted reflecting, after so long, it came to me – I was mirroring Ecclesiastes, and as I open my Bible and read through, I found I was mirroring even more than I had thought, I stopped after about two chapters....
Its been so long, I don't even know. Somewhere – the Fall Retreat, I've completely lost it. Before the retreat, I had a weekly quiet time, they where good, and I went not wanting a high, I didn't want a artificial closeness to God. I wanted a regular (daily) relationship with Him, growing closer to Him consistently. I wanted on the retreat, I wanted Him to break me, I wanted, I remember asking, on the first night, to weep in his presence. If I heard right, I think I did, He told me “This retreat isn't about you”. Why not? How frustrating, not that its not about me, but that I can't get anything accomplished in this time, that I can't get any closer to You in this time! I know very well that God was present during the retreat, I would request something, and He was faithful – He would answer. Jeff Dexter was a great speaker, but I didn't understand what he was saying, nothing made sense on the retreat... it was so weird, it was like God had nothing to say to me. I asked that he let me know what was going on the second night, and Eric came over and made sure that I knew what was going on, actually brought me to Dexter, who explained what was going on... it didn't apply to me
I remember the night Doug accepted Christ, everyone was singing, jumping, and getting into it, and I just stood there. God again answered my prayers, and Tim came over and asked me why I wasn't jumping or something like that, “Shall my heart lie?”. We went to the Cafeteria and and talked. I have had things I've been wanting to get out for so long. Everyone seems so far, and honestly, I think people could care less – feelings are so overrated. It felt good to talk to Tim, so good, about two separate subjects – two small things that had grown on my mind, consuming my thoughts, not that either where wrong.
Could someone remind me? When God feels far, although I know He isn't, does that mean I am simply learning, or that he is testing me? These and much more linger on my tounge, waiting to be spoken, but never being brought to be heard.